Vodka, Exes and some cycles

I had a long conversation with Tim last night. He called me to just see how I have been doing. I haven't hear from him or even attempted to talk to him for over a year and half. We talked about how he and his fiance have moved in together and how he's thinking of getting a new job and how he's thinking about having a family in a year or two. It's incredible at 22 years old you have a fiance and thinking about a baby. He asked me if I still cut myself and I said no. I told him that I am much better out here and that a lot of things have changed though I still have moody nights. I don't know if those will ever go away. I hate to admit it, but I miss him. He seems to be happier and a lot more outgoing which means his fiance is meant for him. I am glad he found someone who can take him out of his shell for a bit. He did set a standard in my taste though. There were some personality traits that he has that I find myself getting attracted to over and over again with other people.. I attract to many strange people and i think it has a lot to do with my artistic darker side.
My friend Maia told me that dating in this city is insane and i didn't understand her until this year. I don't get the I want to have sex with you on the first date shit. It really irritates me and that's why I don't date, also the ones I want don't necessarily feel the same way and if they do , they don't express it. I think the smartest thing I could do is focus on my cooking stuff and my music which seems to get a little dark. The other night Oren told me that my thoughts and songs scare him a little, and I have to thank him for being a friend and telling me the truth. I am starting to believe he's right. My thoughts in the middle of the night are a little scary. It's not really who I am but it is a part of me and I can't ignore that. I just want to find someone who can deal with that side of me and the side that'll make them laugh over and over again. But I can't seem to find anyone that can do that. I just scare them away.