How we must feel

His dream-love for her exceeded in emotional tone, in spiritual passion and depth, anything he had experienced in his surface existence. This love was like an endless wringing of hands, like a blundering of the soul through an infinite maze of hopelessness and remorse. They were, in a sense, amorous dreams, for they were permeated with tenderness, with a longing to sink his head onto her lap and sob away the monstrous past.

Nabokov, Pale Fire

ohhh jeff there is a reason you are my number 1 artist

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enNLC-0maLw

the man that got away

Sometimes I think I am doomed to be like the women that I love so much, like Billie Holiday or Edith Piaf. Women who have amazing love stories that could never make it work. I don't talk to anyone anymore, because all I get is judgement. I just want to be alone in this love. Does anyone ever feel that way. I want to be like the songs I love so much. That old school love doesn't exist anymore, if people want a piece of it, they just go see movies. Should I feel blessed or cursed that I have had it. It's so painful for me not to have him in my life. Today walking with the kids in Oakland, I thought about that movie " love me if you dare" and what if in a way that's us. It never works, shit gets crazy, we spend years away but then one day comes, it rains and we know it's the right time. Maybe I am too much of a fucking romantic. I am not of this time or world. I feel like an outcast. I am glad I chose not to speak to anyone about this because I feel like no one would understand and it's not for them to. It's for me to.

If you see him, say hello

I realized that todays society doesn't agree with the statement " follow your heart". Everyone wants to give each other advice on situations they don't understand. I have learned to keep my mouth shut and just try and process stuff alone or through songs. I am following my heart. I am following my literal dreams because I feel they will guide me to you again. I dreamt of you every night and felt like you and I were speaking to each other. We've done some crazy shit and I don't even want to go there, to the past that is. I just want salvation as I think you do as well and start again. As children holding hands, side by side with our wayward smirks. You took your glasses off last night and wiped my puerto rican grease off and I saw your face so clear. I saw you for who you are and it made me cry because how could this be. How could we just let this shit get so unattainable. I can't accept that we can't make this work one day. Right now, probably not and I accept that but forever. I want you in this life time, though we transend it. I don't talk about you except with Angela but I miss you so much. I feel you all the time, like you're with me. I just can't let go and hearing you saw that me last night, made me so happy but so heartbroken, because how can we ever make this work. The truth is I don't care anymore what the fuck people think because the truth is you were right, yes, nene you were right. People are all disfuntional in their own way. I need to just listen to my heart, and I hope you listen to you yours. I will wait, I didn't lie and I am not crazy. I don't care what anyone saids. They don't know us, us, just me and you. The essence. No one but ladybird and Nene know that. There is this aching pain that I carry around. I know how to hide it well but when you put your arms around me last night, I released it because you were what I want. My great Aunt told me once that she married an italian man and she never married again and I can truly see myself sitting down in front of the T.V. watching Boxing thinking of you. I can live this life without you , but i don't want to. Your the love of my life. I mean that. I don't know if you just love me or feel the same intensity but last night I am glad you let me hug you. I needed to bury my face in your neck and feel your chest against mine. I can't let you go baby. I cant and I become a much more private person because I realized how much sharing really fucking shit up. You really never know what people will do. I will fight for this, hope you want that. I want you to fight for me to. I love you. I love you. I hope you see this. I remember once you told me you read this.