you always told me this

I have died too many times believing and waiting, waiting in a room staring at a cracked ceiling waiting for the phone, a letter, a knock, a sound … going wild inside.
- Out of the arms of one love, Charles Bukowski

undo the hurt...go back and love

i forgot who i was along the way. it was all you. something happened. i wanted to grow up but i realized , i am who i am and growing up won't change that. If only I didn't make mistakes and if ONLY we could try again... I would like to dream. All my riches for her smiles

as we pass each other in the streets in silence

“ There is a sadness in this world, for we are ignorant of many things. Yes, we are ignorant of many beautiful things — things like the truth. So sadness, in our ignorance, is very real. The tears are real. What is this thing called a tear? There are even tiny ducts — tear ducts — to produce these tears should the sadness occur. Then the day when the sadness comes — then we ask: “Will this sadness which makes me cry — will this sadness that makes me cry my heart out — will it ever end?” The answer, of course, is yes. One day the sadness will end. Twin Peaks

“ You know that place between sleeping and awake, that place where you can still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always think of you. J.M. Barrie

My love is as deep as the ocean . You already know that...

I need you so much closer.

“ I would like to be soft and warm. I would be terrified to be that way. I could be hurt if I were soft and warm. I could be hurt by something other than myself. It is harder to be soft than it is to be hard. I could be hurt by something other than myself. James Frey

keith richards.

I love his book... I love this picture...

see into the dark.follow your eyes

“ When I see you, the world stops. It stops and all that exists for me is you and my eyes staring at you. There’s nothing else. No noise, no other people, no thoughts or worries, no yesterday, no tomorrow. The world just stops, and it is a beautiful place, and there is only you. James Frey
“She was alone and still, gazing out to sea; and when she felt his presence and the worship of his eyes her eyes turned to him in quiet sufferance of his gaze, without shame or wantonness.” — James Joyce

nene . its ok to still dream

Love Sonnet XI

“I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair.
Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me, all day
I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps.

I hunger for your sleek laugh,
your hands the color of a savage harvest,
hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.

I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,

and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart,
Like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue.”

— Pablo Neruda

How we must feel

His dream-love for her exceeded in emotional tone, in spiritual passion and depth, anything he had experienced in his surface existence. This love was like an endless wringing of hands, like a blundering of the soul through an infinite maze of hopelessness and remorse. They were, in a sense, amorous dreams, for they were permeated with tenderness, with a longing to sink his head onto her lap and sob away the monstrous past.

Nabokov, Pale Fire

ohhh jeff there is a reason you are my number 1 artist

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enNLC-0maLw

the man that got away

Sometimes I think I am doomed to be like the women that I love so much, like Billie Holiday or Edith Piaf. Women who have amazing love stories that could never make it work. I don't talk to anyone anymore, because all I get is judgement. I just want to be alone in this love. Does anyone ever feel that way. I want to be like the songs I love so much. That old school love doesn't exist anymore, if people want a piece of it, they just go see movies. Should I feel blessed or cursed that I have had it. It's so painful for me not to have him in my life. Today walking with the kids in Oakland, I thought about that movie " love me if you dare" and what if in a way that's us. It never works, shit gets crazy, we spend years away but then one day comes, it rains and we know it's the right time. Maybe I am too much of a fucking romantic. I am not of this time or world. I feel like an outcast. I am glad I chose not to speak to anyone about this because I feel like no one would understand and it's not for them to. It's for me to.

If you see him, say hello

I realized that todays society doesn't agree with the statement " follow your heart". Everyone wants to give each other advice on situations they don't understand. I have learned to keep my mouth shut and just try and process stuff alone or through songs. I am following my heart. I am following my literal dreams because I feel they will guide me to you again. I dreamt of you every night and felt like you and I were speaking to each other. We've done some crazy shit and I don't even want to go there, to the past that is. I just want salvation as I think you do as well and start again. As children holding hands, side by side with our wayward smirks. You took your glasses off last night and wiped my puerto rican grease off and I saw your face so clear. I saw you for who you are and it made me cry because how could this be. How could we just let this shit get so unattainable. I can't accept that we can't make this work one day. Right now, probably not and I accept that but forever. I want you in this life time, though we transend it. I don't talk about you except with Angela but I miss you so much. I feel you all the time, like you're with me. I just can't let go and hearing you saw that me last night, made me so happy but so heartbroken, because how can we ever make this work. The truth is I don't care anymore what the fuck people think because the truth is you were right, yes, nene you were right. People are all disfuntional in their own way. I need to just listen to my heart, and I hope you listen to you yours. I will wait, I didn't lie and I am not crazy. I don't care what anyone saids. They don't know us, us, just me and you. The essence. No one but ladybird and Nene know that. There is this aching pain that I carry around. I know how to hide it well but when you put your arms around me last night, I released it because you were what I want. My great Aunt told me once that she married an italian man and she never married again and I can truly see myself sitting down in front of the T.V. watching Boxing thinking of you. I can live this life without you , but i don't want to. Your the love of my life. I mean that. I don't know if you just love me or feel the same intensity but last night I am glad you let me hug you. I needed to bury my face in your neck and feel your chest against mine. I can't let you go baby. I cant and I become a much more private person because I realized how much sharing really fucking shit up. You really never know what people will do. I will fight for this, hope you want that. I want you to fight for me to. I love you. I love you. I hope you see this. I remember once you told me you read this.

beautiful lost boy

I am nothing if not honest, verbose, shameless and...bringing fire to our souls is the primary objective. And it's cool if you are as cold as ice, I've got enough hotness for a few. "When there is nothing left to burn, you must set...find out who you are, than who you're not" -ben harper


I saw that you liked my new haircut... I like your new glasses but I can't tell you because I don't want you to know I am still head over heels in love with you. SO I will keep it to myself. I love you still and wish you will... I am tempted to contact you but scared of rejection and what may happen.

we all fall in love sometimes..

just now!

I feel like you can actually map out Heartache. It's a place. Everything around you is blurry and you're not really there. You think you are but you get out of it and realize you barely remember what happened in that period of time. Heartache. I want to draw a map of it. So that I can get out of it. So I can find a way out of this labrinyth. So that one day if I find myself again in that place, I know how to get out.

It's painful to hear you sing songs about us/me in the downtown berkeley bart station. I'll just have to keep walking on... we tried love, we did.

wise men say, it looks like rain today. I love you. I just do, I can't help it.

nene

oh my love oh it was a funny little thing to be the one that sings.... I miss you... I like that no one reads this so i can write and say what i want. shouldwe break some bread. As I slept, I'll sleep in all day. Dreaming seemless dreams of lead. When you go away, I am twisted and grey.

ladybird flying

what if you decide you no longer want me by your side. You decided. You don't know what happened, i am not sure either, but i AM TIRED and giving up for now. Maybe one day we can talk about it but right now , I don't see that happening for years. I pray for you every night and hold nothing but sadness, disappointment and love. I have love for you... I was always love for you... I hope one day you truly see that. I won't let your ACTIONS NOR WORDS make me dispirited. I love you , Aerin. I do. I am just thinking that maybe this summer wasn't a good idea. It doesn't make me feel good you're telling people I am crazy at a birthday party. Everything gets back to me. I don;t want any part of it. I am cutting all ties. I need conserve myself. Big things are happening and you are lost and it's heartbreaking for me to see and be a part of it. I wont take blame for your sadness or guilt anymore. I am moving on. I hope one day you can be sober and love yourself and give yourself the salvation you crave. I have been there for you and you refuse to see that. I feel like you wake up every couple of months and then jump back into that downward spiral. no more baby. This little ladybird has flown away and finding beauty in things that will give back and not just take. May you be blessed, really.