I WILL NOT BE ASHAMED OF MY BODY ANYMORE

My Ryan Adams Stance....

NEWS

So a lot of things have been going on. I got hired at the Clinton Street Baking Company. It is the place I am doing my externship. I love it there. I am the assistant to the Head Pastry Chef, so I guess that could make Pastry Sous Chef. http://www.clintonstreetbaking.com/

I am very happy there. I am allowed to grow and learn and it's just a fun place to be. I will also be hosting and serving some nights. You guys should stop by and eat some of the stuff we have going on. Very good breakfast stuff and we make our own hot chocolate.

Other than that. I am working on a demo to give to my friend Adam's producer. He liked my voice from one of the blog things, my friend adam sent him and is thinking of putting me on Adam's next cd. His band is called Renzo. So I am very excited about that. Also working on my own tunes.

I am going to get someone to help me with my website (fabio, think about it) for my personal cheffing and catering business. I need some money rolling.

Dating, there is nothing going on and no one coming on the line.
Also my hair is longer, which is another thing I am happy about

Also, this is kinda huge. My mom and I are applying for joint custody over my brother's son. He and his gf are doing drugs and living on the street and that is no life for a baby. So basically I am going to be legally a mom.
crazy huh. Why would my life be boring , it doesn't happen that way.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JEFF!!!!!!!!

The moon is bright tonight, full as well and I thank god everyday it's out there. She watches over me and I feel as though right now I need her the most. She is beautiful tonight. I know that tonight is a special night, it's Jeff Buckley's Birthday. Happy Birthday Jeff!!! Thank you for leaving us your music, I promise Magnolia, next time I see Michael Tighne on the street I will actually introduce myself this time....
Happy Birthday, thank you for all those nights when you helped me through the dirt....

I STILL FUCKING LOVE HIM

but stopping a wedding would be wrong, right?

Ideas about the Future

Lately I have been thinking that I might move back to the Bay Area. I have applied for a 2nd job as a babysitter/personal chef. If it doesn't pay me at least 300 a week then I am not going to take it. I really need the money right now and if I can pull atleast 500 a week with both jobs then I can pay my credit card bill back really fast and starting saving up for apartments. I want to move in by January. That's my goal. If I feel as though I really can't make enough money here and I am working for nothing but just to make rent that I am going to start looking to move to the Bay Area. I was looking at people posting for personal chef ads there and they pay their personal chef like 600-2000 a week. I mean shit if I can make anywhere near that range, then fuck it, I am living in sunny weather with a nice place. I can also in time be able to afford a car and be able to take trips all over california and usa.

You know I thought I was going to go back to school in the spring , but right now all i really want is some mental sanity and a room of my own. like virgina woolf said, all women should have. So fuck going back to school, atleast for now. I am too much in debt due to Mills College and Culinary school. I can't get more loans under my belt. So once I pay all my 3,000 dollars worth of mills loans down and at least 10,000 of my culinary down , then I'll start thinking about going back to school. Who knows, I might never go back, it doesnt make me less of a person , just one who couldn't afford it. I really do want to atleast have my BA at one point. It's becoming the new High School diploma. Soon, your ass will HAVE to have a MA! It wouldn't be so impossible if education in the USA weren't so damn expensive. In other countries, it's less expensive, much less, or even free, fathom that idea!!

In anycase, going back to wanting to live in the bay, I miss it and I want some sunshine in my life, sure, I would have to get back to the groove of things , but it might be better for me to once again be far away from my family. I love NYC, but it's too fucking expensive to live here, and I am tired of the mentality that you have to kill yourself just to TRY and make it here. SO anyway, what do you cats think about everything?

a new cynthia

A New Cynthia Current mood: aggravated
I have decided I am no longer swallowing shit. I went to see NIN last night and it made me realize that I should be fucking angry at what's been going on in my life.
My father is Abusive.
My job is trying to straightlace everyone.
My " experiance" which only some of you know about.
My constant run ins with flaky as motherfucking guys that I go on dates with, who can't tell me how they truly feel.
So you know what, instead of keeping myself so busy that at the end of the night I knock out until the next morning at 6 am. I am going to take it easy and accept that I am fucking angry and I should be. I am also a little ticked off at what happened last night at the nin show. I mean I invited my friend , for his birthday and he was texting someone all night, sitting down and then left at like 10:45 pm. I mean How fucking rude is that!!!! I should have taken someone else, I should have disinvited him and taken someone I know would have loved to have been there. The show was great but I wanted to share it with someone, not be left alone at the end, with a wasted 50 bucks.But you live and learn no. So I guess that's what I did. So let me just say that, if you wanna be my friend, be my friend, if you don't see yourself through that door, because I am done with bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!!!