Elliott Smith Night:To find some beautiful place to get lost

God, I can't think of anything else but going back to california. i am so depressed here. I am going to quit my job in about 2 weeks once the other pastry chef can come back from her surgery and take some time off and make some money some other way. I just need to get the fuck out of here. I am taking boxes from work and packing.... I am serious. My parents are going to be out mid march and i am throwing a farewell party. So I expect everyone to be there. I miss the beach and my friends. I miss laughing so hard i can't breath...... i know right now i belong there.


"Haven't laughed this hard in a long timeI better stop now before I start cryingGo off to sleep in the sunshineI don't want to see the day when it's dying"
elliott Smith - Twilight

games without frontiers, a war without tears

So Ian came over to Mills and dropped off my hat and we had about a 5 min goodbye. It was kinda akward and I was just straight up and asked him if he wanted to keep in touch. He said he wanted to but that he was a boy and that he travels so he's bad at it. Which to my ears means, nice meeting you and I had fun but not interested. So that's cool, I won't ever forget those two days with him, but damn it's kinda hard to get over those days together after 3 years of some of the worst dates in history. But in any case , I am reapplying to MIlls, just in case I want to come back. I am also applying to some college in San Fran and NYC. I just really need to get my BA. I feel insane not having one. So I gottas get my shit together and go back to college. I don't know where I want to be. I love NYC and all the shit it always offers but mentally I am in deep depression there. In the bay area I am a lot happier but also seem to be bored sometimes. I just need to find ways to keep my ass busy here and with a full time job plus college, I don't think it'll be that hard. So I guess I am entering another part of my life. You know yesterday was Valentine's day and I wasn't even thinking of the fact that I was single. I was just having fun in this massive pillow fight in the city. It was awesome. All these people in San Fran hitting each other with pillows. You could never do that shit in NYC, people would fucking kill each other...
Anycase, I am not too excited about coming back to NYC. But maybe I if some of you are free this weekend, would you like to hang out. I need to see friends.... It's been so WONDERFUL and Now I am in a weird place, because I know I am going to cry those 6 hours on that plane. Call me and I love you all.
Cynthia

SO TRUE

Sometimes I feel there's a hole inside of me; An emptiness that at times seems to burn&I have this dream of being whole. Not going to bed each night wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing, I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me and I want to be seen. - Practical Magic

pictures

cali blog

So Ian came over to Mills and dropped off my hat and we had about a 5 min goodbye. It was kinda akward and I was just straight up and asked him if he wanted to keep in touch. He said he wanted to but that he was a boy and that he travels so he's bad at it. Which to my ears means, nice meeting you and I had fun but not interested. So that's cool, I won't ever forget those two days with him, but damn it's kinda hard to get over those days together after 3 years of some of the worst dates in history. But in any case , I am reapplying to MIlls, just in case I want to come back. I am also applying to some college in San Fran and NYC. I just really need to get my BA. I feel insane not having one. So I gottas get my shit together and go back to college. I don't know where I want to be. I love NYC and all the shit it always offers but mentally I am in deep depression there. In the bay area I am a lot happier but also seem to be bored sometimes. I just need to find ways to keep my ass busy here and with a full time job plus college, I don't think it'll be that hard. So I guess I am entering another part of my life. You know yesterday was Valentine's day and I wasn't even thinking of the fact that I was single. I was just having fun in this massive pillow fight in the city. It was awesome. All these people in San Fran hitting each other with pillows. You could never do that shit in NYC, people would fucking kill each other...
Anycase, I am not too excited about coming back to NYC. But maybe I if some of you are free this weekend, would you like to hang out. I need to see friends.... It's been so WONDERFUL and Now I am in a weird place, because I know I am going to cry those 6 hours on that plane. Call me and I love you all.
Cynthia

The first pictures of cali.....