I love anything that haunts me and never leaves: October 2005

update

So ok, now that things seem to have cleared up in my head a little I feel better. I started my externship at the Clinton Street Bakery, and I really like working there. The people are awesome and have a really positive outlook. I am also learning alot and not just peeling 300 apples in the corner, I work with one other person and we make several things everyday. If I ever open up a place, it would be a small great place like the Clinton Street Bakery. I also decided to make me schedule at the City Bakery full time, I need the money. i am working my butt off to get an apartment by Dec 15th. I am can't wait to go to Quaker Meeting this sunday, that place brings me so much peace. I barely slept last night,I took care of my nephew, and he was very sick, my parents are trying to get custody of him which means they will offically have 6 kids. CRAZY. I don't want to even get involved. They don't have the money to raise another kid!!!! Plus I was the one who was with him last night, i was the one who didn't sleep. But, there is something wonderful about having a little human being sleep on you.....
anyway i gotta babysit so peace.

a new song and some thoughts.... maybe

When did sex start constituting as love or a relationship. I can't walk that parade, it's not me. See nothing seems to be about love lately. I am floating, hoping someone would come along. Everyone is a tease and a flake, but I can't blame them. I don't want to be owned. I want to be part of someone's life. It scares me to complete someone. I am a dissapointment and I wouldn't want to disappoint them. I don't even know if I want to be in love. I hate that ache you feel when you miss someone , or when your heart falls 1000 feet to the ground. He told me I move like no one has and that I touched him like no one else has. But everything has a line and I am tired of that script. I don't want someone to worship me, I am not a celebrity nor worthy of worship. I just want a hug and a kiss and an embrace to put my head together. I miss Tom Waits and he's getting married. I want to run and claim him, but there is no love there, just a game called lust. My body feels good againest his but maybe that's only because it's been so long. Once again, it's an uncomfortable embrace. I don't want anyone to know who you are or that I sleep with you. With all these failed relationships, I don't think I want to go around that mary go around one more time. It was dark and I was in Queens, Echo and The Bunnymen was playing in the background, I thought I was in California and I felt safe because no one knew I was there. Your passion is intense and from a world I don't think I am ready to experiance yet, it'll swallow me whole and I am afraid to escape.

A song ..... I'll leave it at that.... opinions anyone?

Who I want to look like

In california , my freshman year of college with Kate, one of my good friends.... I had a mohawk. I miss that place... it was beautiful

gotta love this city

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh life

So today tested my patience a little. I made roasted Pears and this girl in my class who i am starting to like less and less took them outof the open while they were cooking . I couldn't find them for a while because she hide them in the room and when i asked what happened to the roasted pears she screams across the room " I took them out, my rabbit needs to braise" . I was like look, if you didn't preheat your oven that's not my fault. Don't fucking take shit out of the oven, it's rude and you're not helping anyone out by doing that. Then I went the post office to get a package and they find every reason to not give it to me. I tried containg my anger but ended up punching the window and screaming at the lady behind it, who's the rudest person in the world. I have been there three times in 5 days and it's the same shit. I am sorry we can't give it to you , blah blah blah. So tomorrow my mom is picking it up because if i step in there again, there is going to be another Columbine. I got home and just wanted to relax and fall asleep, but then i realized I need to make all these phone calls. So I didn't end up taking a nap. I also decided that this week I am going to keep to myself, because everyone and I mean EVERYONE is in some weird mood. Things arent going the way people want and it's frustrating. I know I am frustrated with some aspects of my life right now, but I am trying to be patient and hope that things will come all in good time. I am buying tickets to Antony and the Johnsons sometime this week and seeing how much Depeche Mode is for. haaaaaaaaa. Also I hate having crushes ..... it sucks..... because I am always nervous and never know what to say. I am also really liking the fact that Maia and I are going to Quaker Meeting every sunday, it's a nice routine.... Some interesting people are there.

This song seems to describe me right at this moment.

This time I won't show I'm vulnerable This time I won't give in first This time I will hold out with my love This time I will not be hurt I'm gonna love myself More than anyone else I'm gonna treat me right I'm gonna make you say That you love me first And you'll be the one with the most to lose tonight This time This time I won't let my emotions rule my life This time I'm gonna keep my heart locked safe inside This time I'm gonna be my own best friend This time I'm gonna be the one To win Your love Your affection To hide My fear Of rejection This time

tracy chapman's this time ..... I felt this way 4 years ago around this time of year and I feel the same now.

SOOOOOOOOO TRUE

There's a club if you'd like to go you could meet somebody who really loves you so you go, and you stand on your own and you leave on your own and you go home, and you cry and you want to die

I always feel like that when I go to clubs, that's why I don't go anymore. You go thinking you can find someone cool to just chill with, even a friendship and you come out angry. thanks morrissey

SMITHS PARTY THIS FRIDAY JOIN ME