new something

Buzz me up to your sexual preditor ways
Just ripe me apart and take me away from my being
emotionally I am already
I just need someone to listen
when I've lost all my ways
someone's cut me up , deep
and i have no one to turn to,just inside
i think of you and i wish i could be different
ripe my skirt and have your way
everyone seems to

I love you.....Rest In Peace

Video code provided by MusicVideoCodes.com

This video is in dedication to you Dave, You were always so inspired by Johnny Cash. I miss you so much I feel like vomiting, soon enough it'll be a year, The 4th of July will never be the same. Maybe I am loopy lately because you're not here and I could always talk to you. Tell Jeff I said hello and take care. Magnolia and I miss you dearly, watch over her, she seems sad.... then again you were her angel.

A weekend of films

This weekend, I saw some old friends and met some new ones. I started out on friday being very depressed, I can't explain why really. I think I am just exhausted of the pure bullshit of people and working your ass off and still not have anything to call your own. I know that being in your 20's is really about this and just getting to know yourself better. I saw Sin City on Saturday night and all I can say is that movie was so graphic! I loved it though, I was very impressed with everything about it and how well it followed the comic. I saw Chrysa and ate some dinner with her at this vegan place she's obessed with. I am trying to introduce her to this other place called " rice" it's pretty good. It's good light veggie stuff. I don't like it when my stomach feels too full after I eat. I also saw a grade school buddy Kenneth and Martin over the weekend. I took myself to see A lot like Love yesterday. It was exactly what I needed, a cute love story with 90's alternative music in it. I think if I ever have 10 bucks to waste again I will see it again, maybe take a friend along for the ride. It put me in a better mood. I am starting applications for BA programs again. The schools that look interesting to me are : Fordham University, NYU, Eugene Lang, The New School, Bard and Barnard. So we'll see what comes from those. I cleaned my room again and now I am doing laundry so I can look decent for the rest of the week. I am seeing a friend tonight so I have to do all this stuff before 6:30 rolls around.

I don't even know what I was thinking about 

Really people, u might be right..... I can see it now 

Thank you for writing songs that have comforted me in times were life seemed confusing. I love you Ani! 

Those were the days....... 

Last Night

Last night, I don't know what came over me, I think I have been holding things in a little too long. I just got really sad. I ate dinner with Chrysa and then went walking around. I stopped by Virgin Megastore and did some shopping. I got "BoonDock Saints" and " Closer" and the new Deluxe Edition of NIN's The Downward Spiral. I think I just needed some retail therapy. I got a call from a grade school friend and we went out for coffee. It was nice seeing him again and now I have a movie buddy. My orginal plan was to go to the movies, but I am so tired of seeing movies alone, so I left. I might go today, we'll see. I felt better after seeing Kenneth, he always makes me laugh, he's just like he was when we were 10, ridiculous and obessed with vampires. I guess that's why we got along. I took a cab home and went to bed. I got woken up by my friend Brandon, who called me to see what I was doing this following week. I wanted to tell him I was alright and act like I wasn't upset, but I decided to tell him the truth and to my surprise he was feeling the same way and we talked for about 2 hours. It was comforting to know someone else has these episodes. Anyway, I gotta get going on my BA. applications and trying to find some more loans. I also need to apply to some jobs today. There is one at a restaurant on 13th and Broadway and a cafe on St. Mark's Place, I am going for. Wish me Luck. I am just going through a frustrating time right now. I just hope all this work I am putting in is going somewhere soon. I just want to get my life in motion and sometimes I feel like all I do is go in circles. So on another note, if anyone wants to see a movie, call me up!!!

I can't continue to lie to myself.

That's it, once i get my check from my job I am buying a ticket to california. I am seeing some friends graduate and seeing some before they go back home. I need to get out of NYC. I need to be a little crazy right now. I am embracing it because it's a part of me. I am going to listen to the same song over and over again and cry for reasons , I have yet to understand. I miss you Dave- R.I.P. I wish you never drowned, just like your idol, Jeff Buckley. I wish I was there to pull you out, to save you from your death. I can't stop feeling this way and no matter how many times people say, they'll listen, they never do. I just feel so overwhelmed by everything, and numb at the same time. I keep feeling like I need to just scream and cry but I can't. Yesterday I saw the full moon, she gave me strength, I just have yet to speak to the ocean and she'll give me the push. They won't listen, no one understands, and I don't want to bother anymore. I just hide everything, everything goes into a cycle , no matter how hard I try , I can't seem to break it. Maybe that's why I continue to move, to get away from everyone who does this to me. I can't live with my family any longer. I miss my brother wherever he is. It's been 4 months Richie, call me, please, I am drowning, without you.
I just need a hug.

Poem turning into a song

I have been working on this song for several months. It's pretty much about someone I used to date about 4 years ago. In any case here it is, leave me a comment and tell me what needs work, what works, whatever.



Joni Mitchell was right
Play with my heart
Then get a knife
Falling apart at a blink of an eye Don't it all seem to go
When I had what I wanted and Let it go
Caught it
And
Put up a Nine Inch Nails song This poem is directed at you:

when I was little, I cried and dreamed of you not knowing your name. only what you could do I've wanted to end it all, but knew not to bother being driven by death, by both mother and father
couldn't hang the rope around my neck
or have a heart attack because of the stress
this life seemed so black and weary, except you
were a thought passing in my mind that came true
on those night were abuse left me black and blue
and my emotions were caged like animals in a zoo
you gave me salvation, but you never knew
no peace or solitude ever kept me company
it seemed only suffering was meant for me
but by chance I found you and make a discovery
that now you fail from grace similarly
my hands can't reach to bring you security
damn why was I born with such impurity
silent you are ravaged and torn apart bit by bit
and frozen where I lay I can only watch and sit
I'd give up my life, if it could save another
I am so restricted, why can't I provide you cover
they hurt you so deep, that I too feel the pain
you tears are so intense, like a warm spring rain
I close my eyes and hold my breathe, say goodbye to life, as I take my final
gasp. ..
I wanted to see you through it all, but that was just one test in life I wasn't meant to
pass..
never ask to be make strong unless you can pay it's price
never ask to be wiser if you won't use it to save another's life
make me deaf to sound, blind to evil. better yet don't make me again at all
because he is still there crying, and there's nothing I can do at all.

Thanks Mk!

(me and sam) think you are a wonderful person. sick in the head
occasionally but a great person indeed.
-Mary Kay

XXX Survey

1.Do you crush someone now? Kinda, and I think they are aware of it, I kinda write it in poems.
2.Are you a good kisser? I think so.
3.Are you in love? No
4.Last time you had sex? not at liberty to discuss such information! Let's just say it was a LONGGGGGGGGGGG time ago
5.Best personal technique/skill in bed? Damn Martin, this is personal!
6.Most favorite thing done to you? Kisses and other stuff, just watch " Secretary" and Sex and Lucia and you'll get what I am into.
7.Favorite position(s) I am not sure yet, it's been to long and I just can't remember... what's sex again?
8.Rate 1-10 Does your partner satisfy you? don't have a partner ..
9.Have any fetish(es)? Yo! Everyone knows this one and if you don't just ask me.
10.When you orgasm- loud, soft, or silent? depends
11. Are you a great/so-so/bad lover? I’m a latin lover
12. Longest time gone out without sex? A year and half
13. Age/who- Girl - 14 years old, With a guy I lost it when i was 18 shhhhhhh
14. Making Love or Having Sex? Both equally.
15. Craziest place(s) you've had sex? ha ha... plead the fifth
16. Rough or Soft sex? Both.
17. Fake an orgasm? once
18. Dating or Relationships? both are crucial
19. What turns you on sexually? Depends on the person, Eye language is huge, verbal is also good.
20. Are you going to get laid after this survey? I WISH!
21. Do you cyber? Or have you cybered? Nope. That's kinda pathetic, sorry people
22. Have you had phone sex? yes , who hasn't
23. Do you masturbate? time of day? yes, I used to not.
24. Weird sex anecdote? ????? i don't know
25. Best sex anecdote? still don't know


IF I WERE ...

If I were a month I would be: May
If I were a day of the week I would be: Friday
If I were a time of day I would be: 7pm
If I were a planet I would be: Jupiter
If I were a sea animal I would be: a mermaid? Does it have to be real?
If I were a direction I would be: West
If I were a piece of furniture I would be: love seat
If I were a historical figure I would be: I would have to think about this one...
If I were a liquid I would be: Sangria
If I were a stone, I would be: sapphire
If I were a tree, I would be: willowing tree, they are lovely
If I were a bird, I would be: crow
If I were a tool, I would be:
If I were a flower/plant, I would be: rose
If I were a kind of weather, I would be: Sunny, High 60s
If I were a musical instrument, I would be: violin
If I were an animal, I would be: wolf or panther
If I were a color, I would be: violet
If I were an emotion, I would be: haunting
If I were a vegetable, I would be: Avacado
If I were a sound, I would be: a distant voice over the sunrise
If I were an element, I would be: Water
If I were a car, I would be: those pakastani selling trucks
If I were a song, I would be: Don't do this to me, I can't even begin
If I were a movie, I would be directed by: Pedro Aldomovar
If I were a book, I would be written by: Erika Lopez or Borges
If I were a food, I would be: veggie samosas
If I were a place, I would be: Half Moon Bay
If I were a material, I would be: silk, or 5000 count egyptian cotton
If I were a taste, I would be: spicy and sweet
If I were a scent, I would be: fraicheur vegetale de Chevrefeuille
If I were a religion, I would be: hindu, or Quakerism?
If I were a word, I would be: intense
If I were an object, I would be: someone's favorite piece of music
If I were a body part I would be: Eyes
If I were a facial __expression I would be: Smile
If I were a subject in school I would be: Music
If I were a cartoon character I would be: i;ll come back to this
If I were a shape I would be: lol i don't know
If I were a number I would be: 7


MUSIC SURVEY

1. Of all the bands/artists in your cd/record collection, which one do you own the most albums by?

Jeff Buckley, Antony and the Johnsons, Silvio Rodriguez

2. What was the last song you listened to?

Can't make a sound- Elliot Smith

3. What's in your record player right now?

Blue- Joni Mitchell
4. What song would you say sums you up?
Damn I have to come back to this


5. What's your favorite local band?

Antony and the Johnsons

6. What was the last show you attended?

Martin and i went to see my friend's jazz ensemble perform in williamsburg. Before that Rufus Wainwright

8. What's the shittiest band you've ever seen in concert?

I don't think I have ever seen a bad concert

9. What band do you love musically but hate the members of?
I don't pay much attention to band memebers. It;s about the music right. I don't really hate any members of bands that i listen to

10. What is the most musically involved you have ever been?
I have been in singing choirs, one band, and a solo artist

11. What show are you looking forward to?

Nin if i can go and Juan Luis Guerra later this summer, Audra McDonald, bob dylan
12. What is your favorite band shirt?:
I have a lot of NIN ones, Pearl Jam ones and a couple of David Bowie ones. A couple Depeche Mode ones that are slowly fading

13. What musician would you like to hang out with for a day?
I won't even answer this because you all know who.

14. What musicians would you like to hump for a day?

Perry Ferrell, Chris Cornell so many, I am a slut i know
15. Metal question-Jeans and Leather vs. Cracker Jack clothes?

Metallllllllllllllllllllllllllll baby Metal! (definitely metal!)

16. Sabbath or solo Ozzy?

solo Ozzy , early years

17. Commodores or solo Lionel Ritchie

NONE

18. Blackjack or solo Michael Bolton?

NEITHER!!!! anything involving michael bolton has GOT to go!

19. Doesn't Primus suck?
yes, and never have sex to their music, it's scary.

20. Name 5 flawless albums?
all by Jeff Buckley
Love Songs- Billie Holiday
Blue- Joni Mitchell
Dias y Flores- Silvio Rodriguez
I am a Bird- Antony and the Johnsons
I know I can't count but
Depeche Mode- All the music is amazing. Seeing them in concert is even better. It;s this crazy high, I have never felt anywhere else

21. Did you know that filling out this survey makes you a music geek?

I LIVE for music. I know I am a geek, so what.

22. What was the greatest decade for music?

80's, 60's and definatly 90'S i live for the 90's

23. How many music-related videos/dvds do you own?

20
24. Do you like Journey?

NO

25. Don't try to pretend you don't.
NO
26. What is your favorite movie soundtrack?

VELVET GOLDMINE is my fave! Practical Magic, Stealing Beauty, there are more I just can't remember

27. What was your last musical "phase" before you wisened up?
I never really had phases ok when i was 13-15 i was a metalhead/goth, it was horrible, I never show anyone the pictures

28. What's the crappiest CD/record/etc you've ever bought?
I haven't but i did use to like hootie and the blowfish.

29. Do you prefer vinyl or CDs?
Vinyl has a beautiful sound to it.

unfinished thoughts

I keep looking at your picture
expecting something to change
but you've gone to that other plane
and left me behind
pondering
what ever will i do?


I got other worries
you used to help me out with
but now i am left with
your spirit giving me signs
I don't want to pick up the guitar because I am afraid of what might come out of me.
Sometimes times get dark
I don't know what to do with these dwelling thoughts
Should I keep looking behind
or just shut the door
The floor looks so good right now
let me lay down
Is blood rushing from my arm the only way to get your attention?
You just really don't care that much, do you?
You just don't care that much do you?
No one knows
They are blind with their own lives
I want some fucking romance
I'll just make love the the dream.
I'll just make love to the dream.

lost

I had a weird day/ I am no longer/ don't bother anymore. it's bell jar

Cripple and the Starfish

Mr. Muscle forcing bursting
Stingy thingy into little me, me, me
But just "ripple" said the cripple
As my jaw dropped to the ground

Smile smile
It's true I always wanted love to be
Hurtful
And it's true I always wanted love to be
Filled with pain
And bruises

Yes, so Cripple-Pig was happy
Screamed " I just compeletely love you!
And there's no rhyme or reason
I'm changing like the seasons
Watch! I'll even cut off my finger
It will grow back like a Starfish!
It will grow back like a Starfish!
It will grow back like a Starfish!"

Mr. Muscle, gazing boredly
And he checking time did punch me
And I sighed and bleeded like a windfall
Happy bleedy, happy bruisy

I am very happy
So please hit me
I am very happy
So please hurt me

I am very happy
So please hit me
I am very very happy
So come on hurt me

I'll grow back like a Starfish
I'll grow back like a Starfish
I'll grow back like a Starfish
I'll grow back like a Starfish

I'll grow back like a Starfish
I'll grow back like a Starfish
I'll grow back like a Starfish
I'll grow back like a Starfish
Like a Starfish...


Antony and Johnsons, I love this song!!!!! Another twisted love song, this one about an abusive partner.

On a good note, I finally got my self some health, veggie food today. I don't eat red meat anymore. Actually when I try I get really sick. I also got some hair shit for my huge afro and some burts bees for my body.

let's celebrate

11 years ago today, I got my first nine inch nails cd. AHH I think i was in 4th or 5th grade.

What happened to the band man? Where is Danny Lohner, Charlie Clouser and Robin Finck? Damn I wanna see them play as much as see you screaming..... So sad, he has new band members and I think I'm going to cry. Also the new cd , I have to get used to it 

How I feel everyday!!!

"When I sing these songs, this filmstrip winds around in my brain. And it's all I can see."
- Jeff Mangum
"I always imagined that I would make a great record and then die in a plane crash or commit suicide or something."

- Rhett Miller

photo by Sean Shroff Matthew Sweet



"Expressing [sadness] through music gives you hope, and I guess that's what art is - kind of finding hope in the horror that life is and rendering it somehow."

- Matthew Sweet

There is nothing more depressing than trying to appear happy when you are not."

- Nick Cave


"It's like having a friend for life. It's someone who knows how ugly you get, how much you freak out. It's having this person who's not ever going to abandon you."

- Janet Weiss



"We were looking for some inspired voltage, just getting together and chasing electricity."

- Kyle Fischer


photo by C .Taylor Crothers
"We're not trying to be activists. We're just writing about what we know."

- Bobby Gillespie

AIR
"We know our force is in emotions. We're trying to do what we are good at: harmonies and melodies."
- Jean-Benoit Dunckel


Tom Waits
"Every song needs to be anatomically correct: You need weather, you need the name of the town, something to eat -- every song needs certain ingredients to be balanced."
- Tom Waits

Without music life would be a mistake. -Nietzsche

Spiritualized
"I want to create something that's bigger than what we're playing. Somebody wrote about us live once, 'It was like God playing feedback with a guitar behind the curtain.' Well, I want it to sound like it's several deities back there playing!"
- Jason Pierce
(MAGNET .26)

Like someone in love

Lately I find myself out gazing at stars
Hearing guitars like someone in love
Sometimes the things I do astound me
Mostly whenever you're around me
Lately I seem to walk as though I have wings
And to sing like someone in love
Each time I look at you I'm light as a cloud
And feeling like someone in love.

Sometimes the things I do astound me
Mostly whenever you're around me.

Lately I seem to walk as though I have wings
Run into things like someone in love
Each time I look at you I'm light as a cloud
And feeling like someone in love
Like someone in love, Like someone in love  

Another lady that looks like me naked. Marc Baptiste is a genius. 

Someone that looks like I do 

inspire

"If you free yourself from the limitations society imposes on you, life becomes like alchemy..."

Edgar Allen Poe, my kinda romantic

The Lake

( The Lake EP / Edgar Allen Poe )

In youth's spring, it was my lot
To haunt of the wide earth a spot
To which I could not love the less
So lovely was the loneliness
Of a wild lake, with black rock bound
And the tall trees that towered around

But when the night had thrown her pall
Upon that spot as upon all
And the wind would pass me by
In its stilly melody

My infant spirit would awake
To the terror of the lone lake
My infant spirit would awake
To the terror of the lone lake

Yet that terror was not fright
But a tremulous delight
And a feeling undefined
Springing from a darkened mind
Death was in that poisoned wave
And in its gulf a fitting grave
For him who thence could solace bring
To his dark imagining
Whose wildering though could even make
An Eden of that dim lake

But when the night had thrown her pall
Upon that spot as upon all
And the wind would pass me by
In its stilly melody

My infant spirit would awake
To the terror of the lone lake
My infant spirit would awake
To the terror of the lone lake

Springing from a darkened mind
So lovely was the loneliness
In youth's spring, it was my lot
In its stilly melody
An Eden of that dim lake
An Eden of that dim lake
Lone, lone, lonely...

Antony and the Johnsons put it to song. You can hear and see the video at : http://www.antonyandthejohnsons.com/samples/samples.html

Tonight

My songs are so odd. OK news for anyone who might be reading this. Call me tonight. I will be babysitting, basically that means that after 9pm they will be asleep and I will be reading and will finally have time to talk to everyone. I know about only 4 people read this blog so if you see this tonight, call a sistah. I will be there from 6pm- 12 noon on saturday. Right now I am packing. If you want write me an email tonight and I'll read it when I get in. Also if there is anything for saturday I would love to be there with you. I was planning on going to Battery Park and making a picnic for myself, wanna join me?
Ok love and care for you all.

some of my costume of last April for fetish ball 

My sister's ideal man.  

Gotta love the East Village!!!! 

I'll be seeing you..... 

Don't even act like you don't know..... I know I am not the only one who watched him....Chapulin 

Saving my deepest thoughts for later

And then all of a sudden I feel my tears choking my throat again. Maybe half the reason I work 10 hour days is to drown out whatever is bothering me, which is a couple of things. My friend Will does tarot readings and he read some cards, all I can say is that usally I don't believe in that stuff but now I do. The thing is I need to follow my intution , I know more that I think I do. I just need to follow my gut. I have been so stressed lately with work and just not sleeping enough. Tomorrow night I have to sleepover which sucks, but that will be my last day, then I am free and I can have somewhat of a life again. I need a vacation. What I will have tonight is a good cry, I have too many things inside this body and I can't hold on to them any longer. Listening to Silverchair, god, how 90's . They have some great songs. I am trying very hard to remember not to look back, but I just saw a profile of my ex best friend Emily, and it just killed me, I miss her sometimes, we had some good times. I just don't like the fact that she got involved with someone and stopped being friends with everyone. So I hear now she's straight, gothic and still a bitch. I hope she's happy. I just wished we could have remained friends, but I changed so much in 2 years and I knew deep down inside, she was too shallow and selfish for me to remain friends with.

Listening to Massive Attack reminds me of my first year at Mills. I wish I could repeat that year again. I would change some things but all in all it was such a wonderful experiance. In any case I should go to bed and lay there for a while until I fall asleep.Maybe so much of my listening to 90's music, isn't so much about the music as it is holding on the memories of childhood. then again I do miss those bands.





Erotica is using a feather, pornography is using the whole chicken.
For women the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He/She who looks for it below there is wasting his/her time-Isabel Allende.

new song

Twilight I have fallen in love with a enigmatic boy
My fears linger in his lips
swallow this hollow pit
swimming disasters dance in the ocean
I want to let the blood flow from the inside out.
I have fallin hard for a boy who doesn't know what he needs
masterbating on the phone with someone i have no intention of meeting
Am I too odd for you?
It's spring and I want a love, to give me hope again, or maybe for distraction sake
these ryhmes are floating up in the sky and i'm losing interest
I don't expect you to come back
I have fallen for an enigmatic boy
Fallen hard and slowly losing myself
in the mystery of this crush.
we both know what we are trying to saying to each other
something about my past doesn't sit right with you

looking forward.....

so today was a better day with the little kids i take care of. I am going to finish paying off bills this weekend then I am buying my ticket to san fran and going before I start school. Its the only time I can. I still need to find another loan but right now that's the only thing really stressing me out. I know everything will get figured out. I am happy, I just ate some Arab pita bread and Spicy Hummus. Nothing is better than Middle eastern food. I was going to get home from work and write this poetic blog but I forgot everything i was going to say. Oh well,maybe I'll remember in the morning.
Congrats to my sister on her acceptance to Barnard!!!!!!! Congrats to my ex Tim on his engagement!!!!! May everyone be happy.

saving me for someone who cares...........

I began a babysitting job in which I work from 1pm to 9pm and it's a nightmare. The hours are too long and I also have to sleep over on fridays , so I gave in my week notice and this is my last week. By the end I should hear from the other woman to see if I get that nanny job which I only work monday-friday 1pm-7pm which is nice. I just couldn't deal with going to school in the morning and the go to work for 9 hours, it's too much and i am so tired by the time I get home. In any case, I have been listening to Antony and the Johnsons and Billie Holiday all weekend long. I walked around the west side highway. That's my favorite place to be around the spring/summer time. I should have gone to bed earlier last night but I ended up getting a call from Aaron and we were talking about relationships and all that good stuff. So I didn't get to bed until 1 pm. We decided that one day we will be vagabounds , we are already gypsies, atleast have the spirit. He was making fun of me having an intense love for Edgar Allen Poe books. I want to be in Rural Italy in a big kitchen in the middle of the night cooking and looking outside the window looking at the moon and stars. The lighting would be dim and I would be wearing a 1940's red dress with flowers in my hair. A cig's smoke would rise and tickle my nose. Dancing by myself to Billie Holiday, waiting for someone's arms to be around me. Just someone hold me tight, alone in the night. ahhhh in one of those dreamy moods.

Martin's Quiz for me

F I R S T S:

-First job: Babysitter
-First funeral: I don't even remember I have been through so many, they all blend together

-First pet: Was my black lab, Bruno, sweet lullaby i miss you

-First piercing/tattoo: Ears when I was little.
-First credit card: about 3 months ago

-First real kiss: 15
-First love: Anna Lisa, that insane lady, i hope you've found peace
-First enemy: I don't remember, but all those bullies in grade school.

-First favorite band: Duran Duran


L A S T S:

-Last car ride: The one with Fabio about 2 weeks ago.

-Last relationship: 1 year ago with a bird man

-Last library book checked out: a couple that i have to return tomorrow or else there goes my credit
-Last movie watched: Stealing Beauty.

-Last beverage drank: Soy Chocolate millk, I know I am turning granola.

-Last food consumed: Hummus and veggies

-Last time showered: last night

-Last CD played: Antony and the Johnsons- I am a bird.

-Last website visited: I'm on npr now.



N O W:

-Single or Taken: Single
-Crush(s): Yes
-Birthday: December 14, 1984
-Sign:Sag

-Siblings: Ricardo, Irene, Aly, Amari

-Hair color: Dark brown.
-Eye color: Dark brown.

-Shoe size: 10
-Height: 5'5"


RIGHT NOW WHAT ARE YOU...:

-Wearing: Underwear

-Thinking about: spending a week in the bay area this summer

-Listening to: Antony and the Johnsons and the rain outside my window sill, with the road filled with people

-Wanting: To follow my dreams without so much debt

F A V O R I T E S:

-Favorite song:Any by Jeff Buckley

-Favorite movie: Stealing Beauty , Habla Con Ella, El Sexo Y Lucia

-Favorite show(s): Felicity
-Favorite word: Welcome

-Favorite holiday: I don't have one



R A N D O M:

-What are you going to do after this: Going to bed.

-Who's someone you wish you could sleep with but can't (famous person, etc.):Adrien Brody, Chris Cornell, Perry Ferrell , James Dean

-Do you drink: Occasionally.
-Do you do drugs: Coffee and Haribo gummy bears

-Do you smoke:very rarely cigarettes, I love the way they look leaving the lips of a smoker, there is something sexy about it
-Best Friend(s): They know who they are......

brb

Spent this entire weekend by myself and it's been a beautiful weekend. I got a Antony and the Johnsons cd and it's been rotating through my ears for the last 3 days. I went to see a romantic comedy. I needed to smile in the dark and hope no one saw me. I walked all around NYC saturday night. I think I walked 4 miles until 2 am.

10:45 pm /new song

The hunger eats me every night
this pain this aching need to create
forgive me for letting my feelings get out of hand
forgive me for being impatient and giving up so soon
soft soft lips
nights full of ease
joni singing in the background
distant memories of hopeful days
have i left my dreams behind?
forgive me sweet sweet voice in my head
Yearning for masses and one voice leading others
the moon is full
I don't want you to look me straight in the eyes
only streams will appear
this hasn't even started
most of it i think it's in my head
yet, i'm still scared.

forgive me for letting my feelings get out of hand
forgive me for being impatient and giving up so soon
soft soft lips
nights full of ease
joni singing in the background
my eyes are burning from holding back my tears
my gut is holding tight to all the emotions

You have to understand
the faith is gone
the faith is gone
you must understand
my energy is slim to none

poems and more poems 

Amari , my little sister, looking fly as ever. She's a little diva!!!! 

eggo time with my brother and sister. I don't know what year this was, it could be 89'. I'm just guessing. I love these old photos.  

I am helping shave my brother's face. Let's say this was 86' 

Little Cynthia in Puerto Rico  

my mama in the 70's looking all annie hall 

another go at it, some poetry 

shitty art , oh yeah feels good. 

VACATION TIME!!!

Orbitz has a deal i might just have to think about...... 6 days in oakland for 200 bucks. I don't even need to get a hotel, one of my friends wants me to stay with her. So I just might take a little vacation to the bay before the madness of school and getting an apartment starts. I just need a break from nyc for a little bit!!!! Does anyone wanna join me????? In one of my trips there i always wanna bring someone from NYC just because i want someone to experiance what i experianced there for 2 years and to see mills and my friends and maybe go to an insane party.
Either way when i get my check I will be paying off my credit card, my loans and see what's left then if i have enough, off to Oakland it is.

forever is a breeze

Your words slip out of you with such ease
the fear only exists in my hesitation
The rain hits my window sill and i think of times
when music and laughter went hand in hand in a summer's dream
I know i am searching for something in your silence
today i find myself like the weather
surface wet and grey



to be continued....

January 2004 , this was taken on New Year's Eve, my mom wanted a picture with my father and myself. He never really smiles. This is probably something you'll never see, us hugging or me smiling at him. 

my ex cory and myself days before i went to mills college. I am glad he's found someone who's amazing to him. We had good times, and i won't forget them, but its better this way. I am too much of a gypsy for you. August 2002 

This is katie, my best friend and myself high as a kite about 3 years ago.  

I love this picture. I have had it for two years now, I Forgot the photographer who took it but i have a ton of his work. When i saw this photo i wanted to look like this girl. in a way i still do. They just remind me of the bay area.