Welcome to San Fran! Ahhhh how I miss my little friend Johnathon.... 

Inspire again

"If you`re not afraid, if you take everything
you are, everything worthwhile in you, and
direct it at one goal, one ultimate mark,
you`ve got to get there."
James Dean

I love you and I am not afraid to love you. 

keeping away my blues

Rain pours from the sky
As scattered hearts
Try to pick up
Their remains
Lovers become detachable
Bitter words can slap you so hard
Dreams become nightmares
Knowing the difference between fantasy and
Reality
Pulled into the vicious web
You tangled me in your lies
You kept me reaching till there was no day or
Night
Our hand used to dance
As our eyes tried to ignore each other’s stare
Stuck in this urban desire

all i want is a rainbow

Midnight calls to try and find answers. I sleep all day because the
night is the only time I can have some time to myself. Been in a
dreamlike, haunting mood for several days, don’t know what to make out
of it. Rufus Wainwright’s whining comforts me. I need something to
break this down. I don’t want to look at your picture because if I
can’t be with you then I will have to pretend you don’t exist. I fast
to clean out all my thoughts, but it doesn’t seem to work. Ochestras
playing in my head with humming girls running in the rain. I know I
have to wait till you age for a while before I can ingest you. But
don’t tease me with your taste. I wish you could let me go but every
moment is captivating with you. Spending nights eating godiva ice cream
because that’s the only things that seems to be physically rich in my
life, and everything seems to be a dejavu.

please let's give a moment to..... Jeff Buckley on the anniversary of his passing
(5.29.97). Let's take a moment to remember this
talented man. He has changed my life with his
music and I am forever grateful for the day when I
was 12 and first heard him. Please give him a
moment and thank him and remember him. Thank
you everyone......
 

TOUCH

" If you want, I'll scratch your name on my chest" I said " How deep" Ill do anything to you as long as you don't leave. breathe with me swimming among these sins we have committed. Slap me one more time, remind me you're mine. Slap me one more time, remind me you're mine.  

My henna inspirations 

I have you tattoed , so i can remember , you were here. 

To my perverted friends

Asphyxiophilia:
"Erotic asphyxiation, asphyxiophilia, breath control play or scarfing is the sexual practice of partial asphyxiation by strangulation or suffocation of one person by another during sexual intercourse. The decrease of blood to the brain is said to heighten sexual pleasure.

It can be dangerous and result in brain damage through loss of oxygenation to the brain, or in death through sudden cardiac arrest. It has also been speculated that in some cases erotic asphyxiation may have triggered the little-known phenomenon of carotid sinus reflex death. Most partners, however, have carried out this consensual practice with no problems. Because of the potential safety risks, those considering this sort of sexual activity are advised to be fully aware of the medical issues and risks involved before they choose to participate."

Do you like being choked out? Have you had a lover who liked being choked out? Talk to me, my little perverts.

So True. 

I modeled for David Sacks last summer and I guess my picture is part of this company ad. AWESOME 

Inspire

i beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. don't search for the answers , which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is , to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually ,without even noticing it, live your way into the answer....
- Rainer Maria Rilke

Paper Cup

Paper cup

Wishful thinking I might be yours
Drifting on every step
I'm always drawn to the dark horse
Sweet sweet, oh nothing's said

And every dream, every, is just a dream after all
And everything stands so still when you dance
Everything spins so fast
And the night's in a paper cup
When you want it to last

Wishful thinking you might be mine
Every shiver sends
One breath under the bridge of sighs
Bending where the river bends

And every dream, every, is just a dream, after all

And everything stands so still when you dance
Everything spins so fast
And the nights in a paper cup
When you want it to last

And every dream, every, is just a dream after all
And everything stands so still when you dance
Everything spins so fast
And the night's in a paper cup
When you want it to last

And everything stands so still when you dance
Everything spins so fast
And the night's in a paper cup
When you want it to last
Heather Nova

Vodka, Exes and some cycles

I had a long conversation with Tim last night. He called me to just see how I have been doing. I haven't hear from him or even attempted to talk to him for over a year and half. We talked about how he and his fiance have moved in together and how he's thinking of getting a new job and how he's thinking about having a family in a year or two. It's incredible at 22 years old you have a fiance and thinking about a baby. He asked me if I still cut myself and I said no. I told him that I am much better out here and that a lot of things have changed though I still have moody nights. I don't know if those will ever go away. I hate to admit it, but I miss him. He seems to be happier and a lot more outgoing which means his fiance is meant for him. I am glad he found someone who can take him out of his shell for a bit. He did set a standard in my taste though. There were some personality traits that he has that I find myself getting attracted to over and over again with other people.. I attract to many strange people and i think it has a lot to do with my artistic darker side.
My friend Maia told me that dating in this city is insane and i didn't understand her until this year. I don't get the I want to have sex with you on the first date shit. It really irritates me and that's why I don't date, also the ones I want don't necessarily feel the same way and if they do , they don't express it. I think the smartest thing I could do is focus on my cooking stuff and my music which seems to get a little dark. The other night Oren told me that my thoughts and songs scare him a little, and I have to thank him for being a friend and telling me the truth. I am starting to believe he's right. My thoughts in the middle of the night are a little scary. It's not really who I am but it is a part of me and I can't ignore that. I just want to find someone who can deal with that side of me and the side that'll make them laugh over and over again. But I can't seem to find anyone that can do that. I just scare them away.

Culinary School

I get up every morning at 6 am and you know what I don't even feel tired. Tat's how I know I love going to school. I like almost everyone in my class except this one kid John , hhe's just a little too immature for me. A nice guy just an annoying one. We did a oils,vingars and herb tasting this week. Next week we work more on knife skills, culinary math and spice tasting. I really like class a lot and the people are all down to earth. I can't wait to get my knife skills somewhat comfortable so I can start making some dishes with ease. I cut the papaya all fucked up on thursday.... hahaha oh well. I am glad though, I am researching a chef for a paper I have due in 2 weeks. I want to have everything on time. I want to have it done by at least this thursday. I also made a new friend, her name is Christie. We have mad stuff in common, other than cooking, just our lifestyle, music taste,taste in men , ( even though i like women as well ) stuff like that. Anyway I thought I would write something down for what's been going on in culinary school. I am well, I think I just been very focused on my music and cooking. I have some interesting stories to write about later but I gotta go make some food right now.... peace everyone

Another messed up song

They continue to read me
then desieve me
i roll over in bed and suck your dick but only so I could stay the night
Fire, why do I always attract assholes
my friends expect better and want it to
i can't seem to get out
Don't mention their names
I don't want to hear about the other girls that lay in your bed
I don't want to compare myself to them
I don't want to get to that point
feeling suicidal because I know I can't compare to them
There is nothing special, you just want a fling
I am tired of this thing
this thing you call a relationship
what am I to you
more questions you prefer not to answer
what am I?
What am I?
Another warm hole to you
another warm hole to you
pleasure chest
I don't have a voice nor a face
just a warm hole to put your fist, your kiss and dick in
it's fine, i'll pretend that everynight we sleep together doesn't make me turn around and wish there was something better.
You say you don't want to be another guy, well don't act like one
Another warm hole to you
to put your fist, kiss and dick in place
this space is swallowing me into a dark hole
I get wet thinking about blood rushing from your face

My best friend Katie. We had some crazy adventures in boarding school like when we hung out with Run DMC because we were looking for Filter's tour bus , instead we got to hang out with them.
 

Dancing at my friend's place right before we went to club. 

I have made a habit of it. From now on I'll scream my own name 

I don't wanna cry again. this is what I truly want

coin operated boy
sitting on the shelf he is just a toy
but i turn him on and he comes to life
automatic joy
that is why i want a coin operated boy

made of plastic and elastic
he is rugged and long-lasting
who could ever ever ask for more
love without complications galore
many shapes and weights to choose from
i will never leave my bedroom
i will never cry at night again
wrap my arms around him and pretend....

coin operated boy
all the other real ones that i destroy
cannot hold a candle to my new boy and i'll
never let him go and i'll never be alone
not with my coin operated boy......

this bridge was written to make you feel smittener
with my sad picture of girl getting bitterer
can you extract me from my plastic fantasy
i didnt think so but im still convinceable
will you persist even after i bet you
a billion dollars that i'll never love you
will you persist even after i kiss you
goodbye for the last time
will you keep on trying to prove it?
i'm dying to lose it...
i want it
i want you
i want a coin operated boy.

and if i had a star to wish on
for my life i cant imagine
any flesh and blood could be his match
i can even fuck him in the ass

coin operated boy
he may not be real experienced with girls
but i know he feels like a boy should feel
isnt that the point that is why i want a
coin operated boy
with his pretty coin operated voice
saying that he loves me that hes thinking of me
straight and to the point
that is why i want
a coin operated boy.

missed me

missed me

missed me missed me now you've got to kiss me
if you kiss me mister i might tell my sister
if i tell her mister she might tell my mother and my
mother, mister, just might tell my father and my father
mister he won't be too happy and he'll have his lawyer
come up from the city and arrest you mister
so i wouldnt miss me if you get me, mister, see?

missed me missed me now you've got to kiss me
if you kiss me mister you must think im pretty
if you think so mister you must want to fuck me
if you fuck me mister it must mean you love me
if you love me mister you would never leave me
it's as simple as can be!

missed me missed me now you've got to kiss me
if you miss me mister why do you keep leaving
if you trick me mister i will make you suffer
and they'll get you mister put you in the slammer and forget
you mister then i think you'll miss me won't you miss me
won't you miss me

missed me missed me now you've got to kiss me
if you kiss me mister take responsibility
i'm fragile mister just like any girl would be
and so misunderstood (so treat me delicately!)

LAST NIGHT AND THIS MORNING

So I worked the AIDS WALK and then went home made my family food and then my day started getting interesting. Martin couldn't make it to the NIN show so I thought I would invite Oren. I was going to invite other people but everyone was busy or I couldn't get to them. So in anycase, I made some food and took it over to Oren because he talks about how he;s hungry all the time. I invited him to the show and he almost pissed on himself. We got ready and went together. You know when you wish for something so hard it becomes true, well that was the nin show. There were super hot 90's alternative boys there! I swear enough to last me a couple of years. I was so excited because we got floor tickets and we were pretty close to the front. Dresden Dolls played and they are a band that Isaw last year in San Fran and I was wondering when I would see them again. I was glad they were the opening act. They totally inspired me... I wrote some lyrics on my hand when they were changing sets for NIN. So NIN,first of all Oren and I had a bet going on what songs would be played and I guessed all of them right except one which happened to be " a perfect drug" . To say the least the show was AMAZING!!!!!!!!!! I moshed and got so close to the front that i swear some of Trent's sweat went on my face, now i will never clean it again.... I almost couldn't breathe at one point and it almost set me free. Anycase, Oren kept me protected for the rest of the night, but there is something so wonderful about being thrashed around sweat and blood in a moshpit, I live for it. I cried and screamed and jumped and danced and laughed with some people about how girls in the moshpits all had heels or flip flops on. FLIP FLOPS, BITCH IT'S NIN YOU DON'T WEAR FLIP FLOPS IN NIN. So the show ended too early but we got to see David Byrne , who was practically right above us. We sat around Hammerstein Ballroom and drank some water and then decided to go to his house. We just listened to NIN and talked, I will talk more about the discussion later, let's just say it was intense and we learned a whole lot about each other that we didn't know.... Well I knew, and it freaked him out a bit. The thing is I can read people so well. Anyway It's 5:47 am I just got home, haven't slept at all and I need to get a quick 15 min nap and get to the shower and go to culinary school. I love you guys and I will be writing a lot more details later. Martin and Fabio I am so sorry you missed an amazing show

coin operated boy

This is Beauty 

CRAZY BUSY

It's been a very productive and busy week. Yesterday we had a meeting all day, the guy wanted us to an extra hour and I just said I had to leave and left. I saw my old school friend Alison, she's been my friend since i was 11, she was born in Ecuador. One of these days I am going over there with her to visit. We have two awesome gay Colombian men working with us now and I love them. They are so much fun to be with. Anyway I gotta wash some clothes and get my butt to work. We are going to have a booth and the AIDS walk today. I'll be ther till three, then I am going to go home make sure I have everything set up for tomorrow because it's my first day of school and I want to be ready. At 5pm I think I am going to have Martin come downtown so we can go head over the Hammerstein Ballroom and go see NIN.

gotta finish this later tonight

Your skin is milky and soft
innocent childlike eyes that allure and seduce
passionate kisses are multiplied by the wall mirror
You say "babe" like you've known me for more than a day
Two years since I've been this close to another human being
so i layed down and closed my eyes and felt the embrace
See you have to be careful
because i'm not all there
and a crush for me becomes an obession i can't shake off
Legs spread and dick in place
come join me on this ride

Butterfly memories

Man cleaning up my room definatly did something wonderful for my pysch. I woke up in a better mood. Last night I was feeling somber,partly due to thinking about my first year at Mills and how much I truly miss it. I can still smell the trees and hear Floetry coming out of my radio. I remember one time my roomate and I were in the bathroom together just talking about her boyfriend and there were candles around. I know sounds pretty lesbonic but I was just so close to her, it wasn't really like that. My room was so beautiful, I have video footage of it, sometimes I catch myself looking at it once and a while. Those were some good times. I remember Emily waking me up early in the morning by jumping on my bed, and we would blast Tool, do our makeup and go to breakfast. I think about that year so much was because it was the first time I was trily free, without prents and people who judged me. I went into Mills with a boyfriend and then broke up with him after two months of being there because he would call me 5 times in a day and get all paranoid on me. He didn't trust me and I didn't need that stress of trying to prove him that I cared just because the last girl was unfaithful. I have to admit that was the greatest thing I did, I have been pretty single ever since and it's been nice. I do have my moments and I did have my crushes but I know that I need someone to understand me and be able to keep up and until I find that person, I'll be single. He has a girlfriend now but he doesn't love her, he calls me ever so often to remind me how much I fucked him up, it's been 3 years, get over it. I know I sound harsh but if you knew him, and some of you do, you would be saying the same thing. Anyway, I think I am going to my friend's house tonight and playing the keyboard again, I don;t know how to play it but I just like fucking around with it. I have a good musical relationship with him, I think we have something musically going on.Maybe we can form a band or something. In any case I gotta go to the bank and get some money for the NIN tickets I am getting today, go to the library to return books and go see what kinda books I can buy at Barnes and Nobles.

gotta finish this later tonight

Your skin is milky and soft
innocent childlike eyes that allure and seduce
passionate kisses are multiplied by the wall mirror
You say "babe" like you've known me for more than a day
Two years since I've been this close to another human being
so i layed down and closed my eyes and felt the embrace
See you have to be careful
because i'm not all there
and a crush for me becomes an obession i can't shake off
Legs spread and dick in place
come join me on this ride

Las Cosas

This week has been a mix between good and bad. I found out one of my friends has cancer, I decided not to go to California for vacation. I just chilled with her, she needed me more. I got depressed and just ate alot. Now I have to make it up by going to the gym and working extra hard. I got my chef's uniform and I look so cute in it, I am going to take new pictures and I'll post one up of me in the uniform. I start culinary school this monday, I am very excited and nervous, but more excited than anything else. I haven't been in a school in a year, so I have to get used to it again. I decided that since I opened up a bank account and put 1,000 in savings that I was going to treat myself, so I bought $112 worth of books and magazines at barnes and nobles and I'm getting Nine Inch Nails tickets on Saturday. Shit they only tour every 5-6 years so I might as well go see them. I am so excited to jump around and see them again. It's been a good 3 years since I have been to a hardcore concert. I know I am going to get into the moshpit. I just hope it's done by midnight so i can rush home and go to bed, because it'll be this sunday and i have school the next day. Anyway that's my week. Oh wait I forgot, I went to a friend's house and I played on his keyboard, it was so much fun, when I have more money I am going to get one myself. Also I had a little interaction with America the girl from " Real Women have Curves" we had a little chat, she seems really sweet! Ok I gotta take a shower take my sister to school, then go back home and finish cleaning my room.
Peace

This isn't our last goodbye

Lately I have been quiet. I haven't really called anyone except my friend Liz to tell her that i might be going to california, but that plan fell through, mostly because I would only have 3 days there and then have to come back for a huge work meeting. So I decided not to take the trip. I needed it though, I really did, I know I'll get a vacation sometime around next december but that just seems so fucking far away. I just wanted to lay on the beach with some good friends and relax. I wanted to take pictures and just ride around the bay are all night singing super loudly in a car. I hate money and the fact that you need it in this world to survive. I am glad that I am starting culinary school this coming monday, it'll give me something fun and creative to do as well as start my way towards better work in the future. I am going to wait until fall to get an apartment because I want a decent one, I know if I get one now, it'll be one that'll need a lot of work and I can't even afford that. In any case I just have to think about saving more money for my future apartment and loan payments. What I should get is a sugar daddy. Shit! But since I am not one to ever use people for shit I won't but wouldn't that be great.
Also some of my friends aren't talking to each other and it just makes it uncomfortable and sad. I mean now it's not going to be fun if I have to be careful who to invite to my parties or get togethers. I miss them too., i wish they were talking.
I gotta jet....

some people have porn..... i have daniel day lewis running..... 

80's music morning

Lately I haven't been hanging out with anyone.... I have been working on some art. I am making stuff for my friends. It's taking me a while but it's how I show people that I care about them, so all of them are getting a piece of me. I just been wanting to give everyone something. So I know I have been out of the loop but just know I am still thinking of each and everyone of you. Also last night I wrote another song. I mean whether they are good or not, song and poems have been flying out of me, I just won't let them sink in . I couldn't do it anymore. It's been really nice, to finally let all that stuff outta your system. I can't wait till I get this keyboard and software, I am going to be such a hermit... But before I do, I wanna hang out with you fools. I need a buddy to go chef's clothes shopping with me. I am thinking of doing it friday or this weekend or monday. So tell me what's up people. Also Aaron has kinda made me his fashion buddy, we are trying to get him a slick sexy vintage look for him. It's a fun project.

In a couple of months, I want to have another dinner party..... So is anyone up for it? What else...... ok i gotta go take Amari to school, I'll write in here later..

No soy familia

I'm searching for something I might never find
I'm losing faith in everything that surrounds me
Black clouds of dust blind my eyes
and i am hoping you're standing somewhere in the darkness
somewhere in the darkness
I'm just wasting away
no blood no love
they said
it's a cindrella story
My veins are highways
my blood like roots from a tree
yet you don't want to see
I'm just like family
I'm from one lost soul
mother wasn't all to well
father passed away from cancer
the needle helped his pain substain


This is a beginning of something. The beginning of coming to turns with being adopted. My father was a drug addict and he died of cancer, of what kind of cancer, I am not sure. My mother has been on and off to mental hospitals, of what I fear might be deep within me. I have never met her and right now I am on a journey to trying to. I just want to see her, I want to see who gave birth to me. I want to talk to her if I can. But seeing her would be nice. Sometimes I get down because the only people who accept me as family in my adopted family are my brother and sisters and mother, everyone else always reminds me of the fact that I am not blood. It makes me feel so lost honestly and just unloved. I don;t want to live like that anymore. I miss my brother,it's been 5 months and I just wanna see him and give him some hugs.

Death knocks on the door to claim another

My mami's aunt is in her final stages of Alzheimer's and today she has to go take care of her because they took the caretaker away until some papers get filed. In any case my mom found all this out last night and she's been stressed all night and day. I have to take my sister Alegria to the doctor because she fell down a flight of stairs and her ankle hurts. Last night my mom didn['t want to speak to anyone. So everyone had the common sense to leave her alone, all except my father. He was complaining about his job yet again and my mom told him that she just didn't feel like hearing it. He got offended and start screaming at her, trying to compare his job and hate for it to her Aunt's dying. He was like " You have your problems and I have mine, you never listen to me". Bitch! SHe listens to you every day about your job, get over it and have some fucking sense to leave her alone, one of her close family members is dying. All my dad could think about was how my Great Aunt was going to die soon and how he was going to put her apartment in the market and make money off of it. It was disgusting. I wanted to fucking hit him with a bat. He's so insensitive, it's incredible! I hope my mom is doing better today. Shit I just wish she never married the fucking asshole. I swear I have no feelings for that man. Except, maybe, hate....

Moon claims her love for the ocean

I'm dreaming about you as I stand still.
It's you under those milky clouds
swimming through the breezes of summer
How far can we reach through an ocean to hold hands?
It's you
I'm waiting
It's you
the smile that stretches across my heart
It's you
these feelings
I'll take you away from it all.
I'll take you away from it all.
Just trust me
it's you and only you....
Just hold on
it's going to be a rough ride
look back and I'll be holding your hand
It's you
swimming through the breezes of summer
Swimming through the breezes of summer
It's you across my heart

Pride 2004

Estos son mis amigitos : Martin y Juq.  

El Verano!!!!

This summer is going to be a latin rock summer. I am planning on seeing Shakira when she starts her tour. I am also taking mi mami a ver Juan Luis Guerra. That's her man! I can't wait till the summer comes, my ass is going to the beach with Marti and Martin. I am also going to get Aaron to write some tracks for a screenplay I am working on. I need to work all this stuff out. And Fabio I also promise you on my Jeff Buckley poster, I am going to make a couple of trips down there to see you and your ocean. Also my goal by next year by winter time when I start making a good salary, I want to visit my dear friends in Peru, Colombia, Mexico, Espana y India. It's been ages since I have seen all of them. Oh big news, when my next check comes, some of it is going towards bellydancing classes I will be taking. I took bellydancing with one of the greats, 2 years ago and I miss it. Shit, if I am going to get fit, might as well make it fun and with some flavor.
Ok Peace I gotta go and figure some stuff out for my HIV job.
Take care everyone!!!!!!
Irene, I know you read my blog once and a while, I will develop your pictures.

Check out the new Shakira video!

Ok, finally she went back to singing in Spanish, thank god nena. This video is hot it'll make you wet yourself, even though she has lion hair in it.
http://music.yahoo.com/ar-263793-videos--Shakira

Yesterday's nice surprises

Yesterday was a surprisingly nice day. I woke up and took my sister Alegria to school and then went for a little jog. I went to this bookstore on Allen street called Bluestockings and I found out it was closed for the next few weeks, but one of the workers was sitting outside on the bench having a cig. He saw that I was looking in and opened the store just for me. If I remember I think his name was Jason, he let me look around for half an hour. I was looking for this women of color magazine called "Fierce" , they didn't have it so I thanked him and told him I'll see him again in a couple of weeks , when the store reopens. It was just nice of him to open up a closed store just cuz i was looking for a mag.
Anyway after that I wanted some breakfast so I went to this nice health store called Earth Matters. I got myself some zinc, odwalla juice and granola with chocolate chip. God, I should start letting my armpit hair just to finish off the image of my granola ass. I went home and took a nap because lately I have been beat and I hurt my back on friday so I wanna try and heal up before I go to culinary school in 13 days. I am so excited and nervous about it ! I woke up and checked the mail and saw that my Spin came so I read it on the way to the library. I checked out Atame and 4 weddings and a Funeral. When I get some extra cash flow, I need to start getting some more Almodovar films. We both have a love for mentally fucked up characters that are harmless. I got a phone call from Aaron and we talked about what we always talk about, music, girls, film and literature. I got on the bus and went home, when i got there i played a board game with my little sisters and then sent them to bed. I ordered Pizza, because I have been craving it for weeks now and layed on my bed to watch 4 Weddings and a Funeral. My buddy Oren called and wanted me to come over to cook him dinner, I swear sometimes people crack me up. I told him I couldn't but that I could in a couple of days when I had more time and a idea of what I thought he would want. We agreeded , talked for a bit and then I fell asleep. But all in all it's been a good day. I also talked to this guy Nelson and he is going to help me get this phat ass keyboard for my music recording! I am so excited. It awesome, i think he's going to help me get a program for my computer so I can hook the keyboard to the computer, I am very excited about it. So yo Fabio, if you're reading this, I am thinking about how I want the website to look, also I have been trying to leave you a comment on your last blog but my computer is being retarded so I'll try to get it on there later. Alright people, I gotta take my nap then go to the bank and start my day. Peace

A new Day!

I AM REREADING the song I wrote last night and I definatly need to fix it. Damn sometimes at night I turn into some weird crazy bitch! I think it's funny what a good nights sleep can do for someone. In any case I am doing great today, it's a beautiful day and I have a lot of stuff I have to attend to. If you people wanna chat, call my house phone and if you don't know what it is email me and I'll give you the digits.
Now I am off to take my sister Aly to school and to jog for a bit and then back home to do some shit.
peace
HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!

a new song

The love that I lost, that I never had. My mind spins with images of rejections. Dream sistah, with my tears falling down my face. I don't want to give up but I don't even know how to start. How the words slip out of my mouth to tell you what you make me feel in the short time we had together. This intensity is something I would never want to utter, for fear of trembling. Hoping you would You are far and it's no use, Maybe I am as insane as others claim I am. I close my eyes and still see you turning your hat around to kiss me, many moons ago. I don't need slavation, just a bottle of wine to ease the sour tears. What am I waiting for? no one will come.. to sit here by the window and drink this pain away. Searching through the lyrics of our favorite songs to find meaning of what has become of me.All I can see are your eyes on the road, the way I would keep them if I was with me. Lost in what still hasn't passed me by but what i don't have the courage to face. Don't cut this short, let me soak in it. Sitting by the ocean looking over the stars. Another swinging time by the fingers i can still feel on my skin.